To Go Or Not To Go
by napalminthemorning
Summary: Eames is bathing. Arthur needs to pee. The gang is watching Arthur very closely. And there's  only one bathroom in the warehouse. Warning: Major nonsense ahead.


**To Go Or Not To Go**

_Napalminthemorning_

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><p>Hi, fanfictioners! Or whatever you're called. So my friend (smeltlikesafety) and I are completely bored, thanks to job attachment, and we decided to give each other prompts to write fanfics about. And this is my first prompt. It's completely crack, random, and (hopefully) hilarious. Enjoy!<p>

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><p><em>Write about a character in an awkward situation. <em>

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><p>There are many awkward situations that one can face in life.<p>

This, unfortunately, was one of them.

Dom was an idiot for having chosen this place. I mean, there must have been a _thousand_old abandoned warehouses in the planet. At least a thousand. And of that thousand at least half of them must have had more than one damned bathroom. With a proper working toilet, and a proper bathtub. That two people could use independently and not be resorted to standing outside the door waiting for the idiot to finish.

As he was reduced to right now, because Dom had decreed that everyone stay overnight for a rehearsal, or some schmucky gimmick like that, and they'd taken turns to use the bathroom, and Arthur of course had drawn the short straw, which meant he was falling asleep on the bathroom door because Eames, the scruffiest of them all, took the longest time to wash his damned self.

And then he had to pee.

So he was now on the verge of doing a jellyfish dance that involved his legs in various positions, all the while standing in front of the toilet listening to Eames whistling some damned cheerful song, and all the while being watched by the rest of the team, who were currently staring (much too close for comfort) at his pants.

"It's not going to happen," Arthur snarled at the rest.

"We'll see about that," Ariadne said sweetly, even as Arthur performed some sort of ballet pirouette that would totally have won him first place in a dance contest.

There was nothing more awkward than attempting to hold in your bladder while being watched by an audience who were taking bets on whether you were going to run into the bathroom or explode first.

And then – salvation called. Because that was the unmistakable ringtone of the Mission Impossible Theme Song playing from inside the bathroom, which meant that somehow Arthur's phone had got inside, and since he never, ever allowed a phone call to be missed, he had the perfect excuse to go and get it.

(Never mind that right now the gang had collapsed into fits of laughter at the ringtone. On a normal day Arthur would have poked a ruler into their eyes, but right now it was just the perfect excuse to get in.)

"Eames!" he yelled, hammering on the door. "That's my phone in there. You'd better be done and getting out of that bath tub, because I'm coming in."

"Righto," the British man replied in a muffled voice, and full of self-confidence that was in retrospect not appropriate for the situation, Arthur twisted the doorknob and went in.

…and then promptly went out again. "HAVE YOU HEARD OF A TOWEL?" he screamed through the wood, even as Saito snapped a picture of his startlingly red face. He was pretty sure that his head would, as of this moment, win 'best home-grown Tomato in the country'.

"You were the one who told me to get out of the bath," Eames said, and Arthur could hear every note of hilarity in his voice.

He scowled. The phone was still ringing. "Well, get your tubby ass back in there because I'm coming in again." To the rest of the giggling gang, whom he supposed it was all very amusing to see Arthur Ruler-Up-His-Butt lose it, but whose situation he did not find remotely amusing right now, he glared. "Rest of you, beat it. Don't you have jobs to do?

Thank God Dom wasn't around to see all this.

When they had finally dispersed Arthur adjusted his tie two millimeters to the left, slung one arm over his face as a makeshift blindfold, and then opened the door. Mission Impossible was nearing the end of its strains now, and it was imperative he get there before it ended.

And of course to fulfill his main motive of peeing. He mustn't forget that.

There was nothing more awkward than walking into a bathroom with a naked man in the bath, with your hands over your eyes, bursting to go to the toilet.

"While I'm in here," Arthur said, and he could just imagine the smile on Eames's face, 'imagine' being the key word because he sure as hell didn't want to see the real thing, "I'm going to the toilet. So I hope you won't say anything, or do anything, because if you do I don't care what Cobb says, you're off the team.

"It's all yours, Artie boy," Eames said with much amusement. But right now Arthur couldn't really care less. Right now it was all about the relief washing over him as he finally, finally got to –

"By the way, old chap –"

"What did I tell you about not saying anything?"

"I know, I know, but –"

"Would you just let me finish first." His hands hovered over the zip. "Now, what did you want to tell me?"

"You were aiming in the wrong…direction."

"WHAT?"

In a spastic gesture Arthur made note never to repeat, he swung his arm out, succeeding in knocking something into something else that made a 'plop' noise, and also silencing the Mission Impossible Theme Song.

_Oh, crap._

There was nothing more awkward than standing in the middle of a bathroom with a naked man in the bath, with your phone in said bath and a puddle of pee on the floor.

"I'm going to need that phone," Arthur said, finding his voice to be surprisingly calm.

"I'm going to need to laugh," Eames said cheerfully.

"I'm going to have to kill you."

"I'm going to have to take a picture and show the rest of the gang."

"I'm going to put a bullet in your head right now."

"I'm going to get out of the bath right now."

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><p>Dom had never seen Arthur run out from a bathroom that fast. Perhaps someone had forgotten to flush? Arthur was a real stickler for such things. But…he didn't quite look himself. Besides, his zip was down. A couple of 'fly' jokes ran through his head, but he decided not to say anything.<p>

And all of two seconds later Eames walked out, dripping wet, with a towel around his waist, a wet phone feebly channeling Tom Cruise in his hand, and a big smile on his face.

Dom rubbed his eyes for about five seconds, but the vision was still in front of him. Arthur and Eames, eh? Huh. Well, it was none of his business. He turned back to the bar to get a couple more cups of coffee.


End file.
